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No such thing as a free dog

July 5, 2013
tags: ,

ed, rich, ky may11 022A guy stole a long-haired Chihuahua worth $2,500 this week from a pet store. This guy probably thinks he got a free dog. Hahahahahaha. Excuse me, but I just dislocated my ribs laughing. Hey, Mister, there’s no such thing as a free dog!

There’s costs that’ll boggle your mind. Like the cost of replacing a hearing aid that’s mistaken for a treat. (I’ll have to get a pretty good advance on my humor book about a certain dog to pay for that….)

Of course there’s dog food. Cheap food isn’t a bargain. A dog needs good food like (pause while I look at the label…) salmon and sweet potato dog food to prevent allergies and scurvy and borderline personality disorder.

There’s dog fights… Something like this could happen: Your dog could crawl under an electric fence, right up into the faces of two very macho German shepherds and yell, “Sissies!” Macho German shepherds don’t like this. They try to make your dog into a rug. The ER vet feigns sympathy, but she actually likes this. She has kids in college.

There’s expensive gifts for neighbors. Something like this could happen: Nice Neighbor could say “Good doggie!” and reach in for a soothing pat on Guard Dog’s head while Guard Dog is cussing him out. Guard Dog might disprove the “His bark is worse than his bite” idiomatic expression. (Our “We’re so sorry” gift was smoked salmon.)

There’s obedience training classes and books and clickers and bribes. Maybe one-on-one training after Scenario 2 and Scenario 3 above.

There’s shots. For rabies and kennel cough and dreaded wormy diseases. Just like with kids, the pharmas keep coming up with more things that need SHOTS.

There’s healthy dog checkups. And visits to specialists. Our dog’s kith and kin line up once a year for a check from the doggie ophthalmologist.

There’s doggy insurance. Which they say isn’t worth the money. Don’t recalculate this after a dog fight.

There’s doggy clothes and boots and furniture and toys and so forth. (It’s best to stay out of pet stores.)

There’s damage to human clothes and boots and furniture and toys and so forth. Our dog’s brother makes holes in plasterboard walls and carpets. I’m not sure whether he snacks on hearing aids.

There’s enzyme cleaners for carpets. And black lights to see uric acid in the dark. (How romantic.)

There’s grooming and pedicures.

There’s the big dog house—the kind that you pull behind a truck so you can take your dog camping or on visits to Grandma, whose cat doesn’t allow dogs in the house. And the heavier truck to pull the big dog house.

There’s doggie reunions. Wouldn’t want to miss one.

Oh, yes, and there’s treats.

And did I mention the cost of new hearing aids?

This is just for our healthy, well-behaved dog who munches on hearing aids. Not some dog with cancer or diabetes. Or bipolar disorder.

Did I make the mistake recently of saying our dog was kinda boring, not a thing like Marley… and doesn’t give me enough material to write a blog post, much less a best-selling book!? Uh-oh. Move over, Marley.

See other posts about Edmund on this blog, including the post about the poor dog’s lack of clothing and furniture.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 6, 2013 9:01 am

    No wonder I don’t have a dog…yet

  2. Beverly Stamper permalink
    July 7, 2013 5:44 am

    My dogs (two) are jealous of Edmund! Now that’s gonna cost me!

  3. July 7, 2013 1:41 pm

    Amen to all you wrote! And in top if that we got a “free” cat a year ago that has been nothing but a mouser, a hair producer, a purr monster, and a sucker of money out of our pockets for ear mites, neutering, routine checks, eye infection, and an open wound in the tail that really drained our pocketbook. These furry friends are worth it though. A health club and therapist all wrapped up in one!

  4. July 7, 2013 2:14 pm

    Linda, do your kids want to be vets? Sounds like a good career path. Joyce, I think a well-behaved dog could be a good addition to your household. Bev, your dogs sounds fun!

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