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My search for a ‘lumps and bumps’ dermatologist

May 22, 2015

mole-checkI need a dermatologist. For nothing scary. Just a check on some “lumps and bumps” and moles and body parts that saw too much sun exposure the summer I drove a tractor on a tree farm. (Oh my, I was so proud of that tan on my pale, pale Kentucky skin. Only time in my life I looked “tan and healthy.”)

 I ask my friends for referrals. One suggests Mayo. Somehow I don’t think my lumps and bumps require Mayo. One suggests someone not covered by my insurance.  

 Finally I ask my new doctor for a referral via “My Chart.” The referral refers me to the dermatology department within their clinic network. Well, duh.

 I decide I’d rather have a good FEMALE dermatologist studying my bod from head to toe. I click through the many female photos and profiles. I reject the ones just out of school–they can practice on someone else. I stifle the urge to reject the ones who looks too pretty and too made up. (Did they spend much time studying in med school? Or were they reading fashion magazines behind their textbooks?)

 I reject the doctors who don’t say much in their profiles. They probably just skimmed by in med school, too, and buzz through their exams of moles. How can I trust such a person to take my lumps and bumps seriously?

 I wonder if I care how many kids each doctor has. Will a doctor who has more college tuitions to pay find more reasons to have me come back or charge me? Do I care if she does volunteer work in Africa? Not while she’s examining my lumps and bumps. Do I care if she specializes in molluscum contagiosum or other things I can’t pronounce? I’m not sure. What if she finds lumps and bumps too boring to bother with?

 Finally I click on a woman who needs a fashion consultant. Her cheerful face is square and her forehead is very high. Clearly she needs rounded glasses and bangs and a feathered hairstyle. She has not read fashion magazines. And her profile reads: “…I enjoy seeing patients with… skin lumps and bumps….” I re-read this. Seriously. A doctor who speaks my language. A doctor who treats MY condition. Have I found my doctor?

 I read further. She teaches at the U of M part-time. Good. You have to know your stuff to teach it. She was a top student. Good. She was paying attention to school, not fashion magazines. She’s also a dermatopathologist. Good. Maybe she won’t remove benign freckles like the last dermatologist. Her hobby is cooking healthy meals. Wow. A doctor who respects nutrition and maybe discusses diet instead of just lotions and pills. She rates well on Rate a Doctor or whatever it’s called. Then I discover she has twins. Uh-oh. Two college tuitions at the same time.

 Oh well, the other factors trump the twins. I make an appointment quickly… before everyone else gets the skinny on my great new dermatologist.


P.S. “Gets the skinny” means learns “what’s going on.” How could I resist this pun? 

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Adele Pitt permalink
    May 22, 2015 10:54 am

    Excellent….. i like your deductions and eliminations to find the right Dr….. keep us informed!

  2. Joyce permalink
    May 23, 2015 7:45 am

    Maybe you should share your doctor’s name? If you like her lumps and bumps methodology, that is.

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